FLASH'S 50 ADULT JOKES



 

TEASING THE GORILLA
    It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla.

    The gorilla goes ape.  He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.  He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.  The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

     Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

    Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,  "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
 

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A LITTLE BOY WANTED $100

    A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.  Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.  When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

    The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.  President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

        Dear God,

        Thank you very much for sending the money.  However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.


College Sex is Fine

    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
    He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired...
    "How much for a season pass?"

FRENCH CANADIANS

   A guy walked into a bar in Montreal and ordered a white wine.  Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful queer.

  The bartender looked up and said, "You aren't from around here, are you?  Where are you from.?

    The guy said, "I'm from Nova Scotia."

   The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Nova Scotia?"

    The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

    The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

   The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

   The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar,  "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

ASK BUDDHA

    Three Chinese women go to see Buddha. The first one says, "Buddha, I want a man with three dragons on his chest.

    The second woman says, "Buddha,  I want a man with two dragons on his chest."

   The third woman says.  "Buddha I want a man with one dragging on the ground.

THE BLUE SUIT

    A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

    He asked,  "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" .

    "No,"  she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit.  "It must be blue."

    When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost.

    He said,  "Actually,  it didn't cost anything.  The funniest thing happened.  As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit.  I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.  She said that was fine with her,  so I switched the heads."

THE MINISTER

   The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row.  She was wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.  He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock,  so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the church.

   When they were alone,  the reverend said in his sternest voice,  "Just what do you mean,  coming to church dressed like that?"

   "Why reverend",  the young thing replied.  "All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

    "Hmm. Well let me check",  said the man of the cloth,  placing his head between her tits.  After several minutes,  he raised his head and said,  "I don't hear any angels singing!"

   "Of course not, reverend",  she said.  "You're not plugged in yet."




 

HOW TO CURE A DRUNK

    A policeman drives by a bar late one night,  after closing time,  and notices two male patrons,  obviously drunk,  lying on the sidewalk in front of the establishment.

    When he parks the squad car and approaches,  he notices that one of the men has his finger up the other one's exposed ass.

   When the policeman asks just what is going on,  the owner of the finger states,  "My friend here is very drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up".

   The policeman informs the fellow that normally you would make someone throw up my putting a finger into his throat,  not his ass!

   The drunk replies,  "When I put this finger down his throat,  I guarantee you he WILL throw up!"


 

DESPERATION

   One night, as a couple laid down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
    The wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry,  honey,  I've got a Gynecologist appointment tomorrow."
   The husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep.   Later,  he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.  This time he whispered in her ear,  "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow,  too?"



 

WHERE'S MY PEN?

   A proctologist walked into a bank preparing to endorse a check.  He pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
    Realizing his mistake,  he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,  "Well that's great,  just great!  Some asshole's got my pen!"







 

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

   A guy found a magic lamp and naturally rubbed it.  The genie popped out and said,  "I'll grant you any wish you want."
   The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer,  "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
   "As you wish,"  the genie replied.
   So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.... !



 

FIRST TIME AT THE HAIRDRESSER

   A little girl went to the hairdresser for the first time and young man waited on her. Her gave her a cookie to relax her,  as he started trimming her hair.
   Being a bit nervous, she dropped the cookie on the floor.  The young male hairdresser picked up her cookie and handed it to her as he said,  "Oh,  I see see you have hair on your cookie"
   She smiled and replied, "Yes, I know.  I am growing boobs,too."



 

WOMEN DO IT THE RIGHT WAY

    A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.  With superhuman strength borne of fury she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
    She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.  Next,  she picked up a hacksaw.
    The husband was terrified and screamed,  "Stop!  Stop!  You're not going cut it off, are you?"
   The wife,  with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said,  "Nope.  I'm going to set the garage on fire.  You do what you have to."



 

DON'T GET EXCITED DEAR
Submitted by Fantasy Maiden

    A married couple was lying in bed one night.  The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.   As he was reading,  he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her pussy.  He did this a few times,  but only for a very short time each time.  He would then stop and resume reading his book.
   The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.  She got up and started stripping in front of him.
    The husband looked confused and asked,  "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
    The wife replied,  "you were playing with my pussy".  "I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."
   The husband said,  "no,  not at all."
   The wife then asked,  "Well,  what the hell were you doing then?"
    The husband replied,  "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page."



 

OLD MAN TALKS TO GOD

    70-year old George went for his annual physical.  All of his tests came back with normal results.  Dr. Smith said,  "George,  everything looks great physically.  How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with God?"
   George replied,  "God and me are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight,  so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on,  when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
    "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith,  "That's incredible!"
    A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.  "Ethel,"  he said,  "George is doing fine.  Physically he's great.  But,  I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
    Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God!  He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"



 

WITH AGE COMES WISDOM

Submitted by Pam from Canada
   A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.  He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.  On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.  Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,  "I hope you don't mind me asking,  but how old do you think I am"
   "About 35,"  was the reply.
   "I'm actually 47,"  the man says happily.
   A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question,  to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
   "Nope, I am actually 47."  He's starting to feel really good about himself.
   While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going, but when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age.  If I put my hand down your pants and play with you for about ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
   As there was no one else around the man thought, " What the hell."  and let her slip her hand down his pants.
    Ten minutes later the old lady says,  "OK,  I'm done.  You are 47."
   Stunned the man says,  "That was brilliant!  How did you do that?"
   The old lady replies,  "I was standing behind you in McDonalds."


 

SHARE YOUR LOTTERY WINNINGS


Submitted by Fantasy Maiden

    A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.  She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt.  The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down her skirt.
   Finally,  the bartender asks,  "Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?"
   "Well, " the woman replies,  "I've just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with!


 

ED ZACHERY DISEASE
Submitted by Wilf Kelly from Canada

   A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her,  so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,  the well known Chinese sex therapist.
   So she went to see him.   Upon entering the examination room,  Dr. Chang said,  "OK, take off all you crose."
   The woman did as she was told.
   "Now,  get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
   Again,  the woman did as she was instructed.
    Dr. Chang then said,  "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."  So she did.
    Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said,  "Your probrem vewy bad,  you haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse case ever see,  dat why you not haf sex or dates."
    Confused,  the woman asked,  "Oh my God,  Dr. Chang,  what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
    Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,  "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass." :-)~~~~~


 

THE OLDER, THE BETTER
Submitted by Pam

   Husband to Wife in old age.....
   Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?   We went behind the barn.   You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind.
    "Yes",   she says,   "I remember it well."
   "OK",   he says,   "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can d it for old times sake?"
   "Ooh Henry,   you devil that sounds like a good idea",   she answers.
   There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this having a chuckle to himself.   He thinks,   "I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence."   So he follows them.   They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support,   aided by walking sticks.
    Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence.   The old lady lifts her skirt,   takes her knickers down,   and the old man drops his trousers.   She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in.
    Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen.   They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.   This goes on for about forty minutes.   She's yelling,   "Ohhh God!"   He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.   This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
   Finally,   they both collapse panting on the ground.   The guy watching is amazed.   He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.   He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,   the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.   The guy,   still watching thinks,   "That was truly amazing.   He was going like a train.   I've got to ask him what his secret is."
   As the couple pass,   the guy says to them,   "That was something else,   you must have been shagging for about forty minutes.   How do you manage it?   Is there some sort of secret?"
   "No,   there's no secret",   the old man says,   "except fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."


 

NOTICE MY NEW BOOT?
Submitted by Barry from Canada

    Sam and Bessie are senior citizens.   Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots.   Seeing some on sale one day,   he bought a pair and wore them home.
     When he arrived home,   he asked Bessie,   "So,   do you notice anything different about me?"
    "What's different?  It's the same shirt you wore yesterday,   and the same pants.   What's different?"
    Frustrated,   Sam went into the bathroom,   undressed,   and came out wearing only his new boots.   Again,   he said,   "Bessie,   do you notice anything different about me?"
    "What's different,   Sam? It's hanging down today,   it was hanging down yesterday,   and will be hanging down tomorrow."
    Angrily,   Sam yells,   "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN?    Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!"
     Bessie replied,   "You shoulda bought a hat!"


 

FUTURE FIREMAN
Submitted by Fantasy Maiden

    A firefighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.   The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.   The firefighter says, "Hey little partner,   what are you doing?"
    The little boy replies,   "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck."
    The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.   "That sure is a nice fire truck" the firefighter says with admiration.
    "Thanks mister," the boy says.
     The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.   "Little partner,"   the firefighter says,   "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,   but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,   I think you could go faster."
    The boy says, "You're probably right mister,   but then I wouldn't have a siren."


 

Blatant Racial Discrimination

    When the first grade class came in from recess,    The teacher asked,   "Alice Smith, what did you do at recess?"   Alice said,    "I played in the sand box."
     The teacher said,   "That's good.    Go to the blackboard and if you can write "sand" correctly,   I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."    Alice did and got a cookie.
    The teacher asked Billy what he did at recess.    Billy Johnson said, "I played with Alice in sand box."    The teacher said, "Good. If you write "box" correctly on the blackboard,   I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."    Billy did and got a cookie,    too.
   The teacher then asked Little Tyrone Kabali what he did at recess.    Tyrone said,   "I tried to play with Alice and Billy,   but they threw rocks at me."
   The teacher said,   "They threw rocks at you?    That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!    If you can go the blackboard and write "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."


 

NOT WELCOME ANYMORE
Submitted by Wilf Kelly

    Three couples, an elderly couple,  a middle-aged couple,  and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said,  "We have special requirements for new parishioners.  You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
   The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,  "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
    The old man replied,  "No problem at all,  Pastor."
   "Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!"  said the pastor.
   The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,  "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
   The man replied,  "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,  yes,  we made it."
   "Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!"  said the pastor.
   The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,  "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
    "No,  Pastor,  we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.  "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.  When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
    "You understand,  of course,  this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
    "We know,"  said the young man,  "we're not welcome at Home Depot any more,  either."


 

COMPUTER ILLITERATE
Submitted by Marsha Shultz

    A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. She tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on.  The husband is in a a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
   So, when the computer asks him to enter his password,  he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "penis"...
   His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:
   ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
   *** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE **


 

GOD'S PLAN
Submitted by Pam from Nova Scotia

    One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam,  "Adam,  you can start by kissing Eve."
   Adam replied,  "God,  what is a kiss?"
   God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.  A little while later Adam came back out with a big smile and said,  "Wow Lord!  That was great!!  What next?"
   God said,  "Adam,  I now want you to caress Eve."
   Adam says,  "Lord what is a caress?"  God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.
   A little while later,  he came out and said,  "Lord that was even better than a kiss!  What next?"
   God said,  "Here is what gets the deed done.  I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."
   Adam said,  "Lord,  what is to make love?"  God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said
    "Lord,  what is a headache?"


 

DUMBER THAN THEIR WIVES
   Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch.  The first hillbilly said,  "My wife is so dumb,  yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer and we ain't even got electricity!"
   The second hillbilly said,  "My wife is stupider than yers,  yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher and we ain't even got runnin water!"
   The third hillbilly said,  "My wife is even stupider!  Yesterday, I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table.  Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there...  and she ain't even got a dick!"


 

GOD'S PLAN
Submitted by Pam from Barry - Nova Scotia

   
    Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.  One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
    Bud says, "Man,  I wish we had something to drink!"
   Jim says, "Me too.  Y'know,  I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.  You wanna try it?"
    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
    The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.  In fact he feels GREAT!  NO hangover!  NO bad side effects.  Nothing!  Then the phone rings...  It's Jim.
   Jim says,  "Hey,  how do you feel this morning?"
    Bud says,  "I feel great.  How about you?"
    Jim says,  "I feel great,  too.  You don't have a hangover?"
    Bud says,  "No,  that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.  We ought to do this more often."  "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
    "What's that?"
   "Have you farted yet?"
    "No....."
    "Well,  DON'T,  'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"



 

THE JOKES ON HIM
    The manager hired a new secretary. she was young,  sweet,  and polite.  One day while taking dictation she noticed his fly was open.  While leaving the room, she courteously said,  "Oh sir,  did you know that your barracks door was open."
   He did not understand her remark,  but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.  He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
   Calling her in,  he asked,  "By the way, Miss Jones,  when you saw my barracks door open this morning,  did you also see a soldier standing at attention."
   The secretary,  who was quite witty,  replied,  "Why,  no sir,  all I saw was a little disabled veteran,  sitting on two duffel bags!"



 

SMART ASS STUDENT
    A teacher was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.  He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow,  barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
   One smart ass,  male student said,  "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?",  and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
   After the laughter had subsided,  the teacher glared at the student and said,  "Not an excuse,  you can use your other hand to write."



 

LOOK IN THE FREEZER
Submitted by Pam from Barry - Nova Scotia

   Two men waiting at the gates of Heaven strike up a conversation. "How did you die?" the first man asks the second.
   "I froze to death, " says the second.
   "That's awful, " says the first man.  "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
   "It's very uncomfortable at first",  says the second man. "But in the end it isn't too bad.  How did you die?"
   "I had a heart attack,"  says the first man.  "I knew my wife was cheating on me,  so one day I went home unexpectedly.  I found her alone in the bedroom doing some knitting.  Then I ran all over the house looking for the man starting in the basement,  but just as I got to the attic,  I had a massive heart attack and died."
   The second man shakes his head.  "That's so ironic."
   "What do you mean?"  asks the first man.
   "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer,  we'd both still be alive."



 

REVENGE -TRUE STORY
Submitted by Taryn - Nova Scotia

    This actually IS true! It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place in Toronto:
   It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding,  at the reception,   the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.  He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming,  many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.   He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
   So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope,  including the wedding party.   He said that this was his gift to everyone and told everyone to open the envelopes.
   Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
   He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
   After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes,  he turned to the best man and said,  "F--- you!".
    He turned to his bride and said,  "F--- you!", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,  "I'm out of here."
   He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning,  while most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair!
   His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.  Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.  And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.
    This guy has balls the size of church bells.


 

Collecting Social Security

    A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.
   After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.   The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.   He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.   He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.   "Will I have to go home and come back now?"   he asks.
    The woman says,   "Unbutton your shirt."
   So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.   She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"   and she processed his Social Security application.
   When he gets home,   the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.   She said,   "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."


 

Sweet Revenge

   FATHER:   "When you go back to your Mom's tonight,   give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18,   this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support.   Then,   stand back and watch the expression on her face."
   DAUGHTER:   "O.K." Later.......
   DAUGHTER:   "Mom,   Dad asked me to give you this envelope.   He said to tell you that since I'm now 18,   this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you.   Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
   MOTHER:   "Next time you visit your father,   tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father.   Then,   stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."


 

The Honest Wife

    Two old people,   a man and a woman,   walk into a hospital.   The doctor says to the old man,   "I'll need a urine sample,   a feces sample,   and a blood sample."
    The old man says,    "What?"   So the doctor says it again.
    Once again the old man says,    "what?"
    So the doctor yells it,   "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE,   A FECES SAMPLE,   AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
    With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,   "He needs a pair of your underwear!"


 

Where is Your Mind?

   He laid her on the table,
    So white,   clean and bare.
    His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
    He rubbed her here and there.
    He touched her neck and then her breast,
    And then,   drooling,    felt her thigh.
    The slit was wet and all was set,
    He gave a joyous cry.
    The hole was wide...he looked inside,
    All was dark and murky.
    He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
    And then he stuffed the turkey.



 

A Day at the Beach

    Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.   The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.  The son comes running up to his mom and says,  "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
    The mom says,  "The bigger they are,  the dumber they are!"
    The little boy goes back and plays on the beach.
    Several minutes later he comes running back and says,  "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddys!"
    The mom says,  "The bigger they are,  the dumber they are."
    The little boy goes back and plays on the beach.
    Several minutes later he comes running back and says,  'Mommy,  I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked,  the dumber and dumber he got!"



 


Submitted by Marsha Shultz - Florida

    A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.  The personnel manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
    The next day at 8:45 AM,  there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.  He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
    The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.  Sure enough,  Elmos are backed up all over the place.
    At the end of the line is the new employee.  She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.  They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
    The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.  After several minutes,  he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman,  and says,  "I'm sorry,  I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.  Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.....



 

Subject: Male or Female?
Submitted by Tania McStravick - New Hampshire



   ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

  SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

   KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

  SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

  WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on. > >>> > >

   SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. to push, he keeps trying. HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the > bottom.

   HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

   REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider . . . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the > the right buttons



 

The Moaner

   Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

   Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

   Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

   So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."

   Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"

   He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."

  Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

   "OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"



 

10 Things You Should Never Say
To A Woman During an Argument

  Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

  Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

  You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

  Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

  Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one?

  Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

  Whoa, time out. Football is on.

   Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning!

  Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

  Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.



 

Hot and Cold Sex

  An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

  After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

   "In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

  "This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

  After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

   The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

  The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

   "Oh, that old buzzard," she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December."



 

WORST OPERATION

   Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

   The second kid says,"I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.

  " The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

   The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

   And the second kid says,"Whoa,Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year .



 

"UR IN ATE"

  Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

  The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

  Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

  Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"



 

New Sex Position

  Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

  Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

  Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

  Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.



 

FORNICATION

  Zundell comes home from Yeshiva, and asks his father "Papa what's fornication?"

  Papa gets embarrassed, and suggests Zundell should ask Mama.

  He goes to the kitchen and asks Mama, "Mama, what's fornication?"

  Mama says, "Go and ask Bubby, she'll tell you."

  Zundell goes to Bubby, and asks, "Bubby what's fornication?"

   Bubby says,"Come here,Tatallah," She leads him to her closet, opens the door and takes out a beautiful gown, and says

   "This, Tatellah, is foranoccasion".



 

GOD'S GIFTS

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

  Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

  Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"

  The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."



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