FLASH'S BLONDE JOKES
BLOND TRIES A PUZZLE
A blonde, possibly my wife (lol), calls her husband at work one day and tells him that she is having trouble. He asks her what the problem is. She tells him that she has spent all day working on a jigsaw puzzle and can't get any of it started.
He suggests that she start with the side pieces. She tells him that there are no side pieces.
He is so curious that he immediately heads home.
Upon arriving home he asks her what the puzzle is a picture of. She tells him that the box has a picture of a ROOSTER on it. He goes to the table looks at the pieces spread out. He then tells her to put the cereal back in the box and make his supper
BLOND GETS A CELL PHONE
A blonde's husband buys her a cell phone for her birthday. She is so excited she heads out to go shopping. Curious whether the phone works well, he calls his wife.
She answers the phone and he asks her if she can hear him clearly. She replies, Yes, but how did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
TWO BLONDES AT A CASINO
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.
Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "how'd you do?"
"Not very good," came the reply, "I've been waiting here for hours."
"You should have been with me . . . did I ever find a good machine! It's way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you . . . you can't lose! Every time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q. Why did the blone jump the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
A: ecause it said, "concentrate"
Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: "This goes in front"
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "OH, LOOK! Donut seeds!"
Q: Why is a blonde's maximum speed 68?
A: 'Cause at 69 they blow a rod!
Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to the right when they met?
A: Nothing, they have never met!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is sexually active?
A: By the dandruff on her shoes.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A. When you smack a mosquito in the head it stops sucking.
Q: What do you call smart Blondes?
A: Golden Retrievers
Q: How do you know a blond has been using the computer?
A: There is white-out on the screen!
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: That can't find the 11 in 9-1-1.
Q: What does a smart blonde and a UFO have in common?
A: You hear about them, but have never seen one.
Q: Why should you take a blonde shopping with you?
A" So you can park in the handicapped area.
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone. !
PUZZLES FOR MY BLOND WIFE
Submitted by Pam from Barry - N.S.
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
Submitted by Pam from Mark - Cape Cod, MA
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City, and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank - she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's President and it's officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later,the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The Loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
THE HEAD CLEANER
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
"Sorry about that, "replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that! " replies the blonde, "That's just me running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in! , ! they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. .. A Pillsbury biscuit bread dough canister had exploded because of the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Lisa is blonde.
THE HEAD CLEANER
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do .. .I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."
OCEANS OF BLONDES
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds," Because it is an ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
HAPPY TO HELP
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
WEIGHT A MINUTE
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class.
The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move.
The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted,
"What did you say to her?"
"I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
A blond was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and said "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said the blond.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," the blond replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," she said, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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