FLASH'S 50 CLEAN JOKES





HERE ARE A FEW TO START YOU OFF

DEAD CAT

   Jim let his dog out to relieve himself late one night.  He watched some TV and then remembered to let the dog back in.  When he opened the door,  he was shocked at what he saw!  In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead!  "Bad dog!  BAD DOG!"  said the panicked man.

  He took the cat away and looked at it.  He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened,  so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbor's porch.

  He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt.  It took him forever.  He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned.  He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it and put its collar back on.

  Since it was so dark,  he crept into the neighbor's yard and laid the cat down on the porch in front of the door.

  The next day,  he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside.

  "Hi,"  he said.

  "Hi,"  replied Jim, nervously.

  His neighbor said,  "Something weird happened last night."

  "Oh yeah?  What's that,"  asked Jim,  sweating now.

  "Well,  my cat was hit by a car and killed yesterday and we buried him.  This morning I found him lying on my front porch!"



YOUR BEST FRIEND

  Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes.

  The second man said "You don't have time to change shoes. You can't outrun that bear!"

  The first man said, "I know I can't outrun the bear. I only have to outrun YOU



SOME LAWYERS ARE NICE

  One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."



BEWARE OF GRANDMA

    Grandpa is in a coma and Grandma is worried he is going to die.  She says to her grandson,  "You watch him while I prepare some food.  Let me know if there are any changes in his condition."
     Shortly,   Grandpa wakes up and says to his grandson,  "Are those Grandma's cookies I smell?  Tell Grandma I want some of her cookies."
    The grandson goes downstairs and tells Grandma. He then goes comes back up and says to Grandpa,  "Grandma says you can't have any.   They're for the funeral."



PSYCHIATRIC ADVISE

    A man pleaded with the psychiatrist,  "You've got to help me.  It's my son."
    "What's the matter?", asks the psychiatrist.
     The man adds,  "He's always eating mud pies.  I get up in the morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies.    The psychiatrist reassured him,  "Give the kid a chance.  It's all part of growing up.  It'll pass."
    "Well", says the man,  "I don't like it, and neither does his wife."



THE SNAIL

    A man was watching TV one day when he heard a knock on the door.  He got up and answered the door and to his surprise found a snail looking up at him from his doorstep.   Disgusted, the man picked up the snail and threw it across the street.
    Three years later,  the same man was watching TV when he heard a knock at the door. He answered it, and sure enough there was the snail.
    "Hey!"  the snail yelled up at him,  "What was that for?"



THE GOOD SAMARITAN

    A guy walked into a bar.  As he was ordering his first drink,  he looked around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off his stool.  He said to himself,  "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody oughta do something."
    He walked over and said,  "Hey buddy,  let me give you a ride home."  He picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar.
    He had to prop the guy up against the wall to open the door,  but the guy fell down!  When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again!  Soon they were on their way.
    He asked the drunk where he lived and the drunk pointed to a house.  He parked and helped the drunk out of the car.  He dragged him up the steps and propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell.
    Again the guy fell down!
     Finally. the drunk's wife came to the door.
     "Look,  lady,  I brought your husband home for you."
    She says, "Well,  that's very nice of you, young man,  but where's his wheelchair?"



THE GOOD CITIZEN

     Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.
    "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared,"  the weather report said. : "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
     Joe said,  "Jeez, okay,"  and got up from his coffee.
    The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.  The weather forecast was,  "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
    Again Joe replied,  "Jeez, okay,"  and got up from his coffee and moved his car.
    Two days later,  again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said,  "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the..."  and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.
    He turned to Joan,  "Jeez, what am I going to do now,  Joan?"
    Joan replied,  "Aw screw it Joe,  just leave the damn car in the garage today."



UNFAITHFUL

     Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at herside.  He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.  Her pale lips moved.  "Jake,"  she said.
   "Hush,"  he quickly interrupted,  "don't talk."
   But she insisted.  "Jake, " she said in her tired voice. " I have to talk. I must confess."
   "There is nothing to confess,"  said the weeping Jake.  "It's alright.  Everything's all right."
   "No,  no.  I must die in peace.  I must confess,  Jake,  that I have been unfaithful to you."
   Jake stroked her hand and said,  "Now Becky,  don't be concerned.  I know all about it,"  he sobbed.
   "Why else would I poison you?"



IS THE FROG DEAD?

Submitted by Fantasy Maiden

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.
  She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.
  "Dead," she was informed.
  "How do you know?"  she asked.
  "Because I pissed in his ear,"  said the child,  innocently.
  "You did WHAT?!?"  squealed the teacher in surprise.
  "You know, explained the boy,  "I leaned over and went  'Pssst'  and
 he didn't move.



SURPRISE ENDING

Submitted by Pam from Canada

     A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.  So, they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out quite late.
   The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.  The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important business partners.
   So.  the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
   She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively.  She then told him to come closer.  Then even closer.  She moved forward and whispered in his ear,  "Take off my dress.  Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and stockings.  Now remove my garter belt and panties"
   She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted,  "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes,  you're fired!".



THE HONEST OLD MAN

Submitted by Wilf Kelly

     There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.  "Excuse me sir,  but does your dog bite?"  the tourist asked.
   The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, 
    "Nope."
   As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car,
    the dog began snarling and growling and then attacked both his arms and legs.
   
    As the tourist flailed around in the dust,  he yelled,  "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
   The old man muttered,  "Ain't my dog."



SURPRISE ENDING

    A couple drove several miles down a country road not saying a word.   An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.   As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs,   the wife sarcastically asked,   "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep,  " the husband replied,   "In laws."




JUSTICE

     Four men-an East Indian,   a Jamaican,   a Native American,   and a white man-gathered at the top of a 30-story building.
    The East Indian said,   "This is for my people,"   and jumped off.
    The Jamaican said,   "This is for my people,"   and jumped off.
    The Native American said,   "This is for my people,"   and pushed the white man off.




A SLOW LEARNER

     Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher.   The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words   "Defeat,"   "Defense," "Deduct,"   and   "Detail."
     Jack stood thinking for a while,   all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply.   Smiling,   he then proudly shouted out,   "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."




A TON OF QUICKIES
Submitted by FANTASY MAIDEN

    
    Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.  He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.


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    An elderly woman died last month.  Having never married,  she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service she wrote,  "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,  I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.


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    A police recruit was asked during the exam,  "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"  He said,  "Call for backup."


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    A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,  "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."


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    A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.  A small child replied:  "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."


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     A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother,"  she asked,  "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"  Without missing a beat one little boy answered,  "Thou shall not kill."


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    At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,  including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill and said,  "Johnny what is the matter?".  Little Johnny responded,  "I have a pain in my side.  I think I'm going to have a wife."


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     A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother,  "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said,  "I don't know!  Who are you?"   "WOW!" cried the child.  "Mrs. Johnson was right!  She said I was so dirty my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"


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    A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:  "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school,  I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.!



A LETTER FROM MOM
Submitted by WILF KELLY

    Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
    Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry.  I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat.  The important thing is that you have a nice holiday,  thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
    I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card,  which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.  God knows their mother never buys them anything nice.  They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
    Thank you so much for the birthday flowers,  dear boy.  I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.  Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.  I know she died years ago,  but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I dug her up and had the services all over again.  I would have invited you,  but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.  I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery,  has she?
    Well son,  it's time for me to crawl off to bed now.  I lost my cane beating off muggers last week,  but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
    Now don't you even think about sending any more money,  because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.  Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is --the one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.     Merry Christmas,.
    Love,  Mom



RIGHTBACK@YA
Submitted by Pam from Nova Scotia

    
    A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,  "HONEY,  COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
    HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT?   NOW?  DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?   I DON'T THINK SO."
    WELL THEN,  COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?  IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
     HE REPLIED,  "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?  DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO."
    FINE,"  SHE SAYS  "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?  THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
    "I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS,"  HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO.  I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.   I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
    SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS.  HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.  AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.  AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE,  HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.  AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER,  HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.  HONEY,  HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
     SHE SAID,  "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.  JUST THEN A NICE, WELL-BUILT, YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG AND I TOLD HIM.  HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
    HE SAID,  "SO, WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
    SHE REPLIED,  "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"


LOOKING AROUND

     A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog,  he suddenly picks him up by the tail and swings him around.
    An astonished sales assistant races over and asks if he can help. " No thanks  " says the blind man,  "I'm just looking around."



">GET MOTHER

     An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw,  but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
    The boy asked,  "What is this,  Father?"
    The father (never having seen an elevator reponded,  "Son,  I have never seen anything like this in my life,  I don't know what it is."
    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,  a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.   They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,  voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
    The father,  not taking his eyes off the young woman,   said quietly to his son .... "Go get your mother."



HOW TO BATHE A CAT

     1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
    4. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close both lids  (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).   CAUTION:   Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge,  as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
    5. Flush the toilet three or four times.   This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
    Sincerely, A DOG OWNER



TOUGH HUSBAND

     A married man left work early one Friday afternoon.   Instead of going home,  however,  he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
    When he finally returned home on Sunday night,  he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife.   After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked,  "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a few days?"
    "That would suit me just fine! " the husband shouted.
    Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife.   Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.   Come Thursday,  the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little,  just out of the corner of his left eye







CRAZY, BUT NOT STUPID

     Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution.  This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.  If they got them correct,  they're deemed cured and free to go.
    Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.  The doctor said,  "Jon,  what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
    Jon said,  "I'd be half blind."
    "That's correct.  What if I poked out both eyes?"
    "I'd be completely blind. " The doctor stood up,  shook Jon's hand,  and told him he was free.
    On Jon's way out,  as the doctor filled out the paperwork,  Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet.  He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
    So Amanpreet came in.  The doctor went thru the formalities and asked,  "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"
    Amanpreet,  remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said,  "I'd be half blind."
    The doctor looked a little puzzled,  but went on.  "What if I cut off the other ear?"
    "I'd be completely blind,"  Amanpreet answered.
    "Amanpreet,  can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"
    "My hat would fall down over my eyes."



SMARTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD

     An airplane was about to crash and there were 5 passengers left,  but only 4 parachutes.  The first passenger, Bill Clinton said,  "I am President of the United States and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower,  etc."  So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
   The second passenger said,  "I'm Antoine Walker,  one the best NBA Basketball players and the Boston Celtics need me so I can't afford to die."  So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.
   The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said,  "I am the wife of the President of the United States,  a New York Senator,  and I am the smartest woman in the world. " So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
   The fourth passenger,  Pope John Paul the second,  says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout,  "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed,  I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute."
   The Boy Scout said,  "It's OK,  there's a parachute left for you.  The world's smartest woman took my backpack."



SIGNS OS AGING

          Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

   You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

   You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

   Your back goes out more than you do.

   You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

   Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

   Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

   You sing along with the elevator music.

   You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

   You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

   You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

   You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

   People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

   You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

   You take a metal detector to the beach.

   You wear black socks with sandals.

   You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

   Your ears are hairier than your head.

   You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

   You can go bowling without drinking.

   You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.



SIGNS OS AGING

          The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.  Furious,  he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
    "Was it my friend Sam",  he demanded.
    "No !"  his weeping wife replied.
    "Was it my friend Jim then?"  he asked.
    "NO !!!"  she said even more upset.
    "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?"  he asked.
    "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"  she snapped.



STAY ALERT lol

     By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
    "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
    "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."
    The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright- eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
    "Never better."
    The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
    "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.
    "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
    "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."



font color="white"> CHINESE JEWS

     Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
    "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
    When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
    "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
    "Are you sure?" Al asked.
    "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
    While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
    When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
    "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
    "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"



A REAL SMART INDIAN

     There are these two Indians crossing the desert. The older one is bragging that he can tell if other Indians are coming, and his younger friend asks, "How can you tell?"
    "Put ear to ground like this. I hear noise of many feet," says the old Indian, and he puts his ear close to the ground. "OH!" he exclaims, "Buffalo come!"
    The younger Indian says, "You can hear that, too?"
    "No, the old Indian admits, standing up and grimacing, "Ear sticky."



CHINESE JEWS

     A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
    So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
    They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
    The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"



FOURTH MARRIAGE

     Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
    The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."
    The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
    The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
    And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."



LEARN KOREAN IN 5 MINUTES ... (READ THEM OUT LOUD)

     1) That's not right.....................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP..........................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.............................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?...........Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table.........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift........Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here...............Wai So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet.....Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone.............No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week..Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight...........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile......Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.......Yu Stin Ki Pu
            May all your Fantasies .. become Reality!!!
                "Hugs"
                Fantasy Maiden



CRAZY LASTS FOREVER

     One lovely day in a mental institution, 2 nuts (excuse me Pam, I mean mentally challenged) fellows were in the swimming pool. Suddenly, one of the wackos disappeared beneath the water.
    The other nut dove down, grabbed his friend, and dragged him out of the pool.
    When the Superintendent heard of this extrodianry event, he called in the nut who saved the life of his friend. He said, " You did something unheard of in this institution. You saved a friend's life. If you were really crazy you would not think of others, only yourself. However, I have some good and bad news for you."
    He continued, "The good news is that I am releasing you for your unselfish sane act of heroism. The bad news is, " Your friend was found dead in the bathroom. He committed suicide by hanging himself."
    The heroic nut replied, "No he didn't". I HUNG HIM UP IN THERE TO DRY OFF."



DRUNK IRISHMEN

     A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
    "Why of course," comes the reply.
    The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
    I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
    The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
    "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
    Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
    "Dublin," comes the reply.
    "I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
    Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
    "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
    About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
    "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."



A SMART REDNECK

    
    A young ventriloquist is touring in the Southeast and stops to enterttain in a bar in Alababma. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in he audience stands and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes--we ain't all stupid here in Alabama!!"
    Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interupts him and say,"You stay out of this mister--I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"



A TYPICAL POLICEMAN lol

    
    Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too windy for the passenger, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver instantly and stunning the passenger.
    Later, when a detective visited the scene, he asked a policeman standing nearby what happened. "Well," the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the other one's head straightened around, he was dead, too."



BAD WATCH DOG lol

    
    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
    Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
    "Moses," replied the bird.
    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
    "The kind of people that would name a Pit Bull, Jesus."



  A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized he had forgotten his false teeth.   Turning to the man next to him,   he said,   "I forgot my false teeth !"
  The man said, "No problem." With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.    "Try these," he said.
  The speaker tried them and said,   "To loose."
   The man then said, "I have another pair....try these." "Too tight," says the speaker.
  The man was not taken back at all.   He then said,   "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
   "They fit perfectly,"   says the speaker.    With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.   "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office ?   I've been looking for a good dentist."
   The man replied,   "I'm not a dentist.   I'm the local undertaker."



IMPORTANT DRIVER

  After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
  "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
  "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
  "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
  Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
  "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
  "So bust him," said the Chief.
  "I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
  "All the more reason."
  "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop. "What've ya got there, the Mayor?"
  "Bigger."
  "Governor."
   "Bigger."
  "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
  "I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."



THE TRUTH IS FUNNY

    When the white man found this land, Indians were running it.
   * No Taxes...
   * No Debt...
   * Plenty Buffalo...
   * Plenty beaver!
   * Medicine Man free!
   * Women did most of the work.
   * Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
   The White man was dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that!



WHAT??????

  A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says,    "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something.   In fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
  "Well,"the doctor replies,   "go home tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something.   If she doesn't reply,   move about 5 feet closer and say it again.   Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
  Sure enough,   the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.   He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen,   and as she is chopping some vegetables,   he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He gets no response.   He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again.   No reply.   He moves 5 feet closer.   Still no reply.   He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away and asks again,   "Honey, what's for dinner?"
  She replies,   "For the fourth time,   vegetable stew!"



GOOD NEWS- BAD NEWS


   An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him:   "I have good news and bad news,   what would you like to hear first?"
   Patient: "Well,   give me the bad news first."
  Doctor: "You have cancer,   I estimate that you have about two years left."
  Patient: "OH NO!   That's awefull!   In two years my life will be over!   What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"
  Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's.   In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."



REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

  BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
  BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
  BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
  BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
  CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
  CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
  TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
  CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
  DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
  DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
  FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
  HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
  HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
  INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
  KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
  MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
  MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
  MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
  MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
  NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
  ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
  ROM - Where the pope lives
  SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
  SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
  SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
  ASCSI - What you call your week-old underwear



DARK SUCKER5 THEORY

   For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
   The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
   First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
  So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.
   A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
  There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
   Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
  Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
   Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
   Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.



REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

   After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar,   a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
   Not wanting to admit his incompetence,   the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.   He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.   The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



CIA TEST

   The CIA had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,   there were three finalists:   two men and a woman.   For the final test,   the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances."   Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.   Kill her!
   The man said,   "You can't be serious.   I could never shoot my wife."
  The agent said,   "Then you're not the right man for the job.
  The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room,   all was quiet for about five minutes.   Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. " I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
  The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.   Take your wife and go home.
  " Finally it was the woman's turn.   She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.   Shots were heard. One shot after another.   The agents heard screaming,   crashing and banging on the walls.   After a few minutes, all was quiet.   
  The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.   She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,   "This gun is loaded with blanks.   I had to beat him to death with the chair."



WOMEN--HARD TO PLEASE THEM

  A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
  The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works....."We have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there." "It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."
  So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
  The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers,but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do.
  So the friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
  This was good but there were still two more floors, so, on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"
  The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
   When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."



  A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
  The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. Bust you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
   The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."



CIA TEST

   A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
   One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.
   "Well" he said "we were married for 25 years."



TOUGH CHOICE

   This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.
  The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. You are a photographer getting still photos for the CNN news service and are traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.
  You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:











Which lens, would you use ???





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