Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but, unfortunately they had alway had a very embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent
the would marry she thought to herself. "He is so sweet also a gentleman, he would never go for this carrying on". So, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the bean's.
Some months later her car broke down on the way from work. Since she lived in the country,
she called her husband and told him she'd be late because she had to walk home. On the way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more then she could stand. Since she still had several miles to walk, she figured she could walk off any ill effects
by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted and upon arriving home she felt sure she could control it.
Her husband met her at the door and apperaed delighted to see her. "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. Then he blindfolded her led
her to a chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife the telephone rang. He mad her promise not to remove the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had eaten were affecting her and the pressure became unbearable. So, while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity and shifted her weight to one cheek and let it go. it was not only loud but smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously, then shifted to the other cheek and rippped off three more, which reminder her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another 5 minutes.
When the phone
farewells signalled the end of her freedom. She quickly fanned the air a few more times with her napkin then place it on her lap and folded her hands upon it. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked her whether
she had peeked and she assured him that she had not.
At this point her removed the blindfold
and she was surprised.
There were twelve dinner guest seated around the table to wish her a
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"..........ARE YOU SMILING???????
THE CLEVER NUN
..Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away
from Jack's liquor store. One day in walked Sister
Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could
never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my
"Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother
Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her
constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack
closed the store and walked home. As he passed the
nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine?
And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing,
whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird,
right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and
exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you
told me this was for the Mother Superior's
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she
replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees
me, she's gonna shit."
IF SHE ASKS,FIX IT
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX
STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL
GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO
GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A
WELL-BUILT, YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED
TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR
BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO, WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern
Arizona cafe......four elderly ranchers were discussing
everything from cattle, horses, weather...to how
things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and
asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your
fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?"
another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then
replied....."For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took
Bea to Tucson....Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down
there and get her."
TROOPER IS A HORSE'S ASS
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for
speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer
about his speed, and in general began to throw his
weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle
flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the
ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are,
I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---
wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, ""Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even
think about calling you a horses ass."
says, " Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them
AN ACT OF GOD
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to
the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition
to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair
and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister
appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a
bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a
rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having
children is an Act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood
and shouted back, Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we
wear rubbers for them!"
Little Johnnie was very lustful for a girl living in his
neighborhood. He invited her to dinner and she accepted. After
dinner, he drove to a little mountain about 5 miles away from the
city, and told her: "I want you right here and now. Do it or get
out and go home!" Without saying a word, she got out and
A few weeks later after a lot of apologizing he invited her
again and she agreed. Later, he drove to another mountain
about 10 miles away. Same question, same answer: the girl got
out of the car and walked home.
Another few weeks later, after sending flowers and candies
and even more apologizing, Johnnie gave it another try. The
girl accepted once again. This time Johnny wanted to make it
sure, so he drove 50 miles away.
Once again he said: "I want you now. Do it or get out and walk
home!" Without saying a word, the girl undressed and the two
had the greatest sex in Johnnie's whole life.
Afterwards, when the two of them were dressed again and drove home,
Johnnie asked her why she had walked home the first two times, as she
had obviously enjoyed it very much.
The girl answered: "Well , I will gladly walk 5 or 10 miles to save a
good friend from gonorrhea, but 50 miles is just too much to ask."
JUST A WEE BIT
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
beautiful children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his
mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you
came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for
the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so
the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again
asked how things went.
"Well, " the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things
might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just
perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he
was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can
imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could
happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well, " explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that
you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her!"
JUST A WEE BIT
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender
approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
............wait for it........
..........You're gonna love it.............
The bartender says, "You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate."
A MARRIED COUPLE WAS CELEBRATING THEIR 50TH ANNIVERSARY IN A CHURCH SOCIAL HALL. THE WIFE WAS SMILING, BUT THE HUSBAND HAD TEARS IN HIS EYES.
THE WIFE ASKED THE HUSBAND WHY HE WAS CRYING.
THE HUSBAND REPLIED, " FIFTY YEARS AGO TODAY, YOUR DADDY PUT A SHOTGUN TO MY HEAD AND SAID IF I DIDN'T MARRY YOU, HE'D PUT ME IN JAIL FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS. IF I HAD LISTENED TO HIM, I'D BE A FREE MAN TOMORROW.......
SMART FIRST GRADER
First grade teacher, Miss Adams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Eddie, what is your problem?"
Eddie answers, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sist er is in the third grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade, too.
The teacher has had enough. She takes
Eddie to the principal's office. While Eddie waited in the outer office,
Miss Adams explains to the principal what the situation is .
principal tells her he would give the
boy a test and if he fails to answer
any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
Miss Adams agrees.
Eddie is brought in, the conditions are explained to him , and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "When do we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Indpendence?"
Eddie: "July 4th"
Principal: "What is 6 x 8 ?"
Principal" "What is the Capital of
And so it went with every question the
principal thought a third grader should should know. The principal looks
at Miss Adams and tells her, "I think Eddie can go to the third grade. I'll arrange for the transfer.
Miss Adams says to the principal, "Let me ask him a few questions."
The principal and Eddie both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddie, after a moment, "legs".
Teacher: "What do you have in YOUR pants that I don't have in mine?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he can stop the
answer, Eddie replies, "Pockets".
The principal breathes a sigh of relief and says "Let's put Eddie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of
matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said,nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex!
You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
LET'S BE MARRIED
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial
embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The man in the upper
berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says,
" I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possible reach over and get me another blanket? "
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, " I have a better
idea, just for tonight let's pretend that we're married. "
The man happily says, " OK. AWESOME! "
The woman says " GOOD..... Get your own fucking blanket. "
BEWARE OF WOMEN
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you 3 wishes.
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever
you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted
to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her,"You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will
The woman replied,"That will be okay because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, KAZAM - she's the
most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, That will be okay because what is mine is his and what
is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches!!
Don't mess with them!!
THE BOSSES ADVICE
Carlos called his boss in the morning:
Ey, boss i not come work today I really sick. I got a headache,stomach
ache, my legs hurt. I not come to work.
The boss says: You know Carlos I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Carlos calls: Boss, I did what you said and I feel great,
I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you have a nice house!!!!!
WHERE MAN CAME FROM
In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3
breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. How are
things, Eve?" He asked.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The
sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything
is wonderful but I just have this one problem.
It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was
my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals, what, six?
So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix
that up right away!"
So, God reaches down and removes the middle
breast, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once
again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your
part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe
has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate,
except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I
have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man
from a part of you! Now, let's see .
where did I put that useless tit?"
A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in
a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The
Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk
eat the whole bread?"
The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had
a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat
jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In
the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with
the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put
them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and
sell them to the United States."
BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER
Two blondes were walking down the street when one of them sees a compact
on the other side of the road. She goes over to get it. She picks it up
and opens it and says, "This person looks familiar."
Her friend takes the mirror and looks at it and says,"You dumbass, it's me!"
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly
realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought
her a gift. So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked
the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We
have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and
all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture.
A TYPICAL BOSS
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show
everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up to the guy and asks - "and how much money do you
make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I
make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a
week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the
room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "He's a
pizza delivery guy .
GOD BLESS EVERYONE
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the
thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the
father put the girl to bed and listened her prayers, which went like
this: "God bless mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all
day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get
by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking
coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally
midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he
got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
THE CHINESE DETECTIVE
> > > > A man suspected his wife was seeing
> > > > another man, so he hired the
> > > > famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee,
> > > > to watch and report any activities
> > > > while he was gone.
> > > > A few days later, he received this report:
> > > > MOST HONORABLE SIR:
> > > >
> > > > YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE. HE
> > > > COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
> > > > HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
> > > > HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
> > > > I LOOK IN WINDOW.
> > > > HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
> > > > HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
> > > > HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE ! PLAY WITH HE.
> > > > I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
> > > > I NOT SEE.
> > > >
> > > > NO FEE,
> > > > CHEN LEE.
WERE YOU FISHING?
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his
friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to
get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough
clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from
the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife, she does
exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike."
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box."
THE FASTEST CREW
There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team
of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team
of Polish guys and a team of Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams
and said: "Here's what we'll do Each team will be installing poles out
on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles
gets the job."
Both teams headed right out.
At end of the shift, the Irish guys came back and the boss asked them
how many they had installed, and they said that it was tough going, but
they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, the Polish guys came back in and they were
The boss said, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?
"The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those! Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said the Polish leader, "but you should see how much they
left sticking out of the ground!"
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total
mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their
pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn
all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the
front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,and the family
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was
spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken
glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the
back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious
had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the
bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and
asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
WHERE ARE THE FISH
This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on
the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools
together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens,
the voice bellowed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice
came once more, even louder:
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “ Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied,
“NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!”
THE SCOT LEARNS QUICK
A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a
Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!"
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called
"walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
extremely excited now,
stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely
embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman
noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained,
"He can't run because he got four balls."
The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed,
"Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"
JESUS WAS A WOMAN
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated
debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by
one,they offered their evidence:
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
1. His name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence...
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just
DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work
for him to do.
DOCTORS CAN TELL
One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They
strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we
sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of
The woman agrees.
So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts
scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs
for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they
have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist,
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "I didn't feel a fucking thing.
THE KIDS ARE COMING
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate
to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their
own fares .. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
ARE YOU OBSERVANT?
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor
tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently
disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money
and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing
telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of
negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the
doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a
business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of
the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about
me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice
you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything
different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a
very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was
handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put
together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the
young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man.
How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
MOODS OF THE SEXES
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of
contradiction, she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but
will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then
turn up her nose, she'll win you in rage,
enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, she'll hate you like
poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
HOW MANY SYLLABLES
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable
words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick
me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher
reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny.
Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!
MARRY THE BEST ONE
A man is dating three women and wants to decide
which to marry. He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to
a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new
make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells
him that she has done this to be more attractive
for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new
gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells
him that she has spent all the money on him
because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5000. She gives
him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder
in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to
save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each
woman had done with the money, and then he...
........... married the one with the biggest tits.
WHAT PMS STANDS FOR
15. Pain Management Sucks
14. Probably Moving (to the)Sofa
13. Pardon My Screaming
12. Psychotic Mood Shift
11. Potential Murder Suspect
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. Pack My Stuff
7. Pardon My Sobbing
6. Provide Me with Sweets
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Plainly Men Suck
2. Prone to Mood Swings
1. Pass My Shotgun
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he
settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding
the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo
and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen,
sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?" "Well," she
explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most
well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent.
However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories
is the Southern Red Neck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm
sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even
know your name!"
"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!...but my friends call me
MONICA IS FREED
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack
and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first
room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving
in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his
fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
If you ever have a day so crappy where you hate your job and just can't
stand it, do the following:
If you ever have a day so crappy where you hate your job and just can't
stand it, do the following:
Go into a drug store and look for the rectal thermometers. Purchase
a rectal thermometer that is the q-tip brand. You must get this
Then go home, lock the door, take the phone off the hook and draw
the curtains so nothing interferes with your therapy.
Lie down on the bed, and open the rectal thermometer package. Place
the thermometer by the side of your bed and look at the printed
In fine print, you will see the notice, "Every rectal thermometer
made by Q-Tip is personally tested."
Then close your eyes and repeat to yourself four times, "Thank god I
do not work for the Q-Tip quality control department."
ALL FEMALES ARE ALIKE
Stopped at a friends shop the other day and found him stalking around
with a flyswatter. When I asked if he was gettin any flies, he answered,
"Yeah, 3 males and 2 females".
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. He
answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty IN
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living
room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of. . . "gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long.
Madam?.................. Madam?...................Good Lord, she's
A BLONDE BATH
Two blondes were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and
beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her
skin so soft and beautiful.
"Well, once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk and just soak in it."
So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like to buy
a lot of milk."
"How much?" the farmer asked. "Well, quite a lot because I'm going to
soak in it."
He asked, "Pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my tits."
A MENSTRAL CYCLE
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's
so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he'ssooooo
dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how
long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a
datewith this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with himand soon they become
rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last
drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says,
"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the
blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you,
I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says,.."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
HOW TO HANDLE A TICKET
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's
a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was
nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.
RUN FORREST - RUN
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They
parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the
other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas
company running as hard as you two were, I figured, 'HOLY SHIT!! I'M
Finally! -- a Blonde GUY Joke!
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to
find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's
dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into
the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's
having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the
See if you can do this . Read each line aloud
Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister ...
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha can't resist from passing it on...
THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD
How does one achieve 100 percent in life?
Begin by noting the following.
IF: A = 1, B = 2, etc., Y = 25, Z = 26
H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = only 98 percent
K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = only 96 percent
But interesting (and as you'd expect),
A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100 percent
That is how you achieve 100 percent in life.
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY:
B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103 percent
So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper
management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want
to exceed 100 percent!
THE GOOD AND THE BAD SIDE
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her
husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says Mrs.. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't
even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got
A week later Mrs.. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to
how things went.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect
was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table,
at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make
passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll
never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
CONDOMS PREVENT SICKNESS
Granny was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in
the Spring and she welcomed him into her Parlor. He took a seat while
she prepared some tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it ,filled with water. In the water floated, of
all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise! And curiosity!
Surely, Miss Granny had flipped!! But he felt he couldn't mention the
strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with the tea and cookies they began to
chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him and he could
resist no longer "Miss Granny" he said while pointing to the bowl, "I
wonder if you could tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes", she replied, "Isn't is wonderful! I was walking down town
last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it
on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know---I haven't had a cold all winter."
CUT IT SHORT
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign
ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New