PAM'S BEST JOKES
# 54 - 96
Nova Scotia


Pam's Best- Page 3- Click here

HENPECKED
   
  A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.    "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you.   Go home and show her you are the boss."
  Of course the husband takes the doctor's advice.   He rushes home,   slams the door,   shakes his fist in his wife's face and growls,   "From now on, you're taking orders from me.   I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best cloths.
  
  Tonight i'm going out with the boys and your going to stay home where you belong.   And another thing.....you know who's going to comb my hair,   adjust my pants,   and then tie my bow tie?"
  "I certainly do, " says his wife calmly;"
  "THE UNDERTAKER"......................




A NEWFIE CALLS 9-1-1


  "Hello, is this the RCMP?"
 
 "Yes. What do you want?"

  "I'm calling to report my neighbor,   Mike Fitzpatrick?   He hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
  "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
 
 The next day,   the RCMP officers descended on Mikes house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.   Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.   They swore at mike and left.
 
 The next day the phone rang at Mike's house.
 
 "Hey,   Mike Did the RCMP come to your house"?
 
 "Yeah!"
 
 "Did they chop your firewood?"

  "Yep"
 
 "Happy Birthday, Buddy."




THREE ASSHOLES


  Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.   The morgue needed someone to identify the body,   so they sent for his two best friends. Daryl and Gomer.
 
 The three men had always done everything together.   Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,   Daryl said,   "Yup. his face is burned up pretty bad.   You better roll him over."   The mortician rolled him over and Daryl said,   "Nope, ain't Bubba."
 
 The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then be brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gromer took a look at the body and said.
 
 "Yup, he's pretty well burned up. Roll him over."
 
 The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,   "No it ain't Bubba."

  The mortician asked,   "How can you tell?"
 
 Gomer said,   "well,   Bubba had two assholes."

  "What?   He had two assholes?!"   said the mortician.
 
 "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes." Everytime we went to town,    folks would say,   "Here comes Bubba with the two assholes."




OLD MEN PROBLEMS


   Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.   The first says,   "Fellas,   I got real problems.   I'm seventy years old.   Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate.   All day long I try to urinate.   They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
 
 The second old man says,   "You think you have problems.   I'm eighty years old.   Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long.   They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
 
 Finally the third old man speaks up,   "Fellas:   I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.   Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.   Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."




MAKE A WISH


  A guy was in a cave,   looking for treasure.   He found an old lamp,   rubbed it,   and a genie came out.   The genie said,   "I will grant you three wishes,   but your ex-wife will get double."

  The man agreed and said,   "I wish I had a mansion."   The genie granted it and his ex-wife got two mansions.
 
 The man said   "I would like a million dollars.  " The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
 
 Then the man said,   "Scare me half to death."




NORMAL MEN



  Twelve priests were about to be ordained.   The final test was for them to line up in a straight row totally nude in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big-breasted nude model danced before them.

  Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

  The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction from his bell.   She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests and their bells until she came to the final priest.

  As she danced,   his bell began to twitch and ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed,   he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.

  Just then, all the other bells started to ring...




MY WOODY DIED



   An old man, Mr. Goldstein was living the last of his life in a nursing home.   One day,   he appeared to be very sad and depressed.   Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong.

  "Yes,   Nurse Barton, said Mr. Goldstein,   "My penis died today and I am very sad."

  Knowing that her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little craze, she replied, "Oh,   I'm so sorry Mr. Goldstein,   please accept my condolences."

  The following day,   Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas,   when he met Nurse Barton.

  "Mr. Goldstein,"   she said   "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this.   Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."

  "But,   Nurse Barton,"   replied Mr. Goldstein,   "I told you yesterday that my penis died."

  "Yes, you did tell me that,   but why is it hanging out of your pajamas.?"   asked Nurse Barton.

  "Well,  " he replied.   "Today is the viewing"




SHARP OLD LADY


  A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

  After much hemming and hawing, the bankstaff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

  The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

  She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

  The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

  The old lady replied, "I make bets."

  The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

  The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

  "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

  The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?

  "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

  The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lotof money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00AM as a witness?"

  "Sure!" replied the confident president.

  That night, the president got very nervous about the bet andspent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would winthe bet.

  The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

  The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

  "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

  She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."




MONKEY SEE- MONKEY DO


   A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

  When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

  The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

  Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.

   The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.




YOU'RE IN HEAVEN


   An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches.So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

  On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

  The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. Hewondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

  She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.

  In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone.

  He arrived in Montreal, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under itread "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

  The priest smiled and answered,.....

  "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".




CONSIDERATE HUSBAND


   A husband was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for serveral years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says that is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing the right breast to see if there is any reaction.

  The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctors suggest that the man go in and try oral sex, saying he wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in and comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

   The doctor asks what happened to which he replies: " She Choked,"




WHAT AM I??


   I'M ABOUT 8 INCHES LONG.
MY FUNCTIONING IS ENJOYED
BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.

   I'M USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING
LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
I BOAST A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS
AT ONE END AND A SMALL
HOLE AT THE OTHER.

   IN USE, I'M INSERTED,
ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING.

   THERE, I'M THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN
MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION,
OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING
BODILY MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND,
RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.

   WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, I LEAVE
BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE
SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED
CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES
OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM
MY LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.

   AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE
AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS
HAVE CEASED EMANATING, I RETURN
TO MY FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST,
READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION.

   HOPEFULLY, I WILL REACH MY BRISTLING P CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY,
BUT OFTEN IT IS MUCH LESS.

   WHO AM I ????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER
THAN YOUR VERY OWN....

  














TOOTHBRUSH !!! What were you thinking? You PERVERT!




SHOOTING BLANKS

   An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

  "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

  The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

   "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

  "Exactly," replies the Doc.




CAUSE I LOVE YOU

  An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to wife "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about: Tell the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?

  " She hesitates a moment, then says "Yes, 3 times, Sidney."

  "Three times?" How could that happen?" Sidney asks.

  The wife begins recalling slowly "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"

  "Yes, that was really a terrible time" replies the man.

  Marsha continued, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"

  "That's hard to take" the man says "but I guess it really was for us, so I can forgive you." "What was the second time?"

  "Well," she continued "do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"

  "Yes of course" the man replies.

  " Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" she explained.

  "That's true" Sidney nodded. "That shocks me, Marsha, but I do understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you. "So, what was the third time?"

  Marsha lowers her head and says "Sidney, do you remember when you ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes?"

..............THE MAN FAINTED............




YOU USE THE COMP. TO MUCH WHEN!!

  You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

  You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."

  You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

  You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

  You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

  You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

  You start using smileys in your snail mail.

  You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

  You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

  All of your friends have an @ in their names.

  Your cat has its own home page.

  You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

  You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

  You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.




SHARK FISHING

  The Pope was driving his 4X4 along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an "All Black" rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

  At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing "Wallaby" jerseys roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.

  The other two reached out and pulled the "Kiwi" from the sea and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoning them to the beach.

  Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia and New Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."

  He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

  "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*#k all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"




WHY MEN PEE STANDING UP

  Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

  "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

  Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

  So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it.

  So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

  God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

   "What's it called?" Eve asked.

  "Brains" God said.




BE AN ADULT

   A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words, she'd always remind them.

   She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

   "No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

  "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

   The teacher said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done.

   "I read a book," he replied.

   "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

  Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."




RARE VIRUSES

   CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

  VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

   LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

  RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

  MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.

  OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

  DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.

  ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.

  TITANIC VIRUS: (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

  DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.

  PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

  JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.

  ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

  LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.




DRUNK RELATIVE

   Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

  Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Once again he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

   Finally, he gets a response....... "Go home,   Grandpa,   you're drunk!"




THE SAD TRUTH

   According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,

  while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,    usually late November to mid-December.   Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

  Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,   from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.   We should've known.   Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.




HOW MANY WORDS?

   An elderly couple had been dating for some time.   Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.   Before the wedding,   they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

  They discussed finances,   living arrangements and so on.   Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

   "How do you feel about sex?"   he asks,   rather trustingly.

  "Well,  " she says,   responding very carefully,   "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

  The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.   Then, looking over his glasses he looked her in the eye casually asking,   "Was that one word or two words?"




BONDED FOR LIFE

   A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

   Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

   "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

   The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

   The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

  He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

  He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

   As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

   As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.

   The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

   Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

   Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

   This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

   As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.

   Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

   "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

   "The teeth"




DUMB PRINCIPAL-ALL ARE

   A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

   The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

   While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

   Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

   Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

   Harry: "9".

   Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

   Harry: "36".

   And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

   The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

   The principal and Harry both agree.

   The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

   Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

   Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

   Harry replied, "Pockets."

   Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

   Harry: "Pants"

   Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

   Harry: Coconut

   The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

   Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

   Harry: Bubblegum

   Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

   The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

   Harry: Shake hands

   Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

   Harry: Yep.

   Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

   Harry: Tent

   Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

   Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

   Harry: Wedding Ring

   Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

   Harry: Nose

   Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

   Harry: Arrow

   Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

   Harry: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."




FAST COW

   A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought,   "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees.   No need to jump the gun -   I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

  After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,    "Well son,   do you have any questions?"

  "Just one,"   gasped the still wide-eyed lad.   "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"




THE BIRDS AND BEES

   A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

  Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

  "What's that mean?" asked the child.

  "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

  The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

  Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

  The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

  Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

  The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."




You know you're from Nova Scotia when.

  

  1. The biggest traffic jam you've ever seen was the Big Ex parade.

  2. "Vacation" means going to Halifax for the weekend.

  3. You measure distance depending on how long it would take a four-wheeler to get there.

  4. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

  5. You use the phrase "come with" in everyday speech.

  6. You always get sick or go somewhere a couple weeks before winter so you don't have to help put in the firewood.

  7. The highlight of your day is telling people all about the bargains you got at the dollar store.

  8. You use the phrases "come on to it" or "give 'er the gears" on a regular basis.

  9. You know at least three people who took a day off school for the start of hunting or fishing season.

  10. You remember that CKBW was an AM station.

  11. The highlight of your summer is the 5-minute firework show on Canada Day.

  12. You have, or know someone who has a summer camp within 10 minutes of home.

  13. You work at Michelin, or you are related to someone who works at Michelin.

  14. You have friends who argue about whose power saw is better.

  15. The best fight you've ever seen happened outside the Tavern.

  16. You have watched Karaoke on Channel 10.

  17. You sit in your car in the plaza parking lot and watch the Lynchers put the exhibition rides together.

  18. You know it is summer because all the bikers start hanging out at Tim Horton's in the East Side Plaza.

  19. You get excited when you see the Bib Man at a community event.

  20. You know the best place to eat is the Turkey Burger.

  21. You know where "the plaza" is.

  22. You have sold something on Swap Shop.

  23. You know what "going out with the Captain" means.

  24. When you consider a 2-light wait on the Old Bridge a traffic jam.

  25. When you have a 4-wheeler or a snow-mobile that is worth more than the car




Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian.

  

   Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.   Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.   "Where have you been?"

   God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.   I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

   "Balance?"   inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

   "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest,intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world.  They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

   Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed;   "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"

   God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ignorant, loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."




DISAPPOINTED

   The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

  No one answered until little Taryn stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!

  With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

  Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

   Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

   The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

   Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

   Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Taryn and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

   (1) you have a dirty mind,

   (2) you didn't read your homework, and

   (3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."




CAMEL CONDOM

   Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

   Lady 1: What's that?

   Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

  Lady 1: Where did you get it?

  Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

  The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

   The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

   "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

  The pharmacist fainted.




QUICKIES

   1. What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

   2. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

  3. What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

  4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

   5. The only time the world beats a path to your door, is if you're in the bathroom.

   6. I hate sex in the movies. I tried it once, and the seat folded up.

   7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

  8. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

   9. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

   10. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

  11. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

   12. A blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

  13. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.

   14. I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.




KIND NEIGHBOR

   A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

  The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

  "You're wasting your time," said the boy.

   "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

   "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."




DEAR ABBY

   Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me toher place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

  When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then said to meet her in her bedroom. On her way out of the living room, she said that I knew where the front door was if I didn't want to go through with it. I stood there for a couple of minutes and finally decided what I had to do.

   I headed out the front door and there, leaning against my car was her husband, my future father-in-law. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. He congratulated me on passing their little test.

  Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or, should I keep the whole thing to myself, particularly the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom? Uncertain.




NEWFIE BABIES

   Way down in the outports of Newfoundland, George's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come.

   He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

   She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at George and said, Hey, George! You just had you a son! Ain't that grand!!"

  George got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

   The doctor then delivered a little girl.

   He said, "Hey, George! you got you a daughter!!!!" She's a pretty lil thing, too...."

  George got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,

  Hold on, we still ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "you just had yourself another boy!"

   George said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of them babies?"

   The doctor said, "You never know George, it was probably something that happened during conception."

   George said, "Ah yeah, during conception"

   When George and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember that night we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use 3-in-1 Oil?"

  She said, "Yeah, I remember that night."

   George said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a good thing we didn't use WD-40!!"




OLD YARD SALE

   One day while walking to the store I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn there were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but continued to walk on my way to the store. On my return trip I passed the same nursing home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn.

  This time my curiousity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

  "Yes," he said, "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale!"




FATAL ATTRACTION

   A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

   "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

   She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.

   Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".

   "No," she replies........."

   Wait for it

   It's coming

   The suspense is killing you, isn't it

   "You just happened to catch my eye."




OH ,MY GOD

   Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father'".

  The second woman chirps in, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Grace".

  The third Catholic woman says smugly "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Eminence'".

  The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

   She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2" hard-bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God..."




THE HEALER

   Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

  Grandma got up and slowly hobbled over to the TV set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on the arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain.

  Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

   Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."




ANOTHER SHARP BLONDE

   Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

   About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

  The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all.

   So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".




BEWARE OF NURSES

   When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

  After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

   She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

  Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."




TENURE PAYS LITTLE

   A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

  "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

  "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

  "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

  Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House.

  " The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

  "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00"

  "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

   "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but according to the Union rules, Ethel here has Seniority."




PICK UP FINGERS

   A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room.

  The doctor there told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'."

  "But I don't have the fingers!"

  "What! You don't have the fingers!?" said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new."

   "But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."




SMART MOTORIST

   A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the hood. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

   "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other important information.

     But I'm not."

     Bye Bye!




AND WE HAVE A WINNER

   An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

  The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

  The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

  The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

  The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

  The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."



QUICK JUMP TO ALL JOKE PAGES


Copyright 2002,2011 - Flash's Realm