A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home
and show her you are the boss."
Of course the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes
home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face and
growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs
and lay out my best cloths.
Tonight i'm going out with the boys and your going to stay home
where you belong. And another thing.....you know who's going
to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do, " says his wife calmly;"
A NEWFIE CALLS 9-1-1 ..............THE MAN FAINTED............
"Hello, is this the RCMP?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatrick?
He hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the RCMP officers descended
on Mikes house. They searched the shed
where the firewood was kept. Using axes,
they busted open every piece of wood,
but found no marijuana. They swore at
mike and left.
The next day the phone rang at Mike's
"Hey, Mike Did the RCMP come to your
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, Buddy."
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends. Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together. Daryl arrived
first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup.
his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then be brought Gomer
in to identify the body. Gromer took a look at the body and said.
"Yup, he's pretty well burned up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes." Everytime we went to town,
folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with the two assholes."
OLD MEN PROBLEMS
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The
first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every
morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I
try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years
old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all
day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
MAKE A WISH
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old
lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said, "I will grant
you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed and said, "I wish I had a mansion." The genie
granted it and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars. " The genie again granted
it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said,
"Scare me half to death."
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them
to line up in a straight row totally nude in a garden while a sexy
and beautiful big-breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction
from his bell. She proceeded down the line with the same response from
all the priests and their bells until she came to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to twitch and ring so loudly that it flew
off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few
steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
Just then, all the other bells started to ring...
MY WOODY DIED
An old man, Mr. Goldstein was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse
Barton asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Barton, said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today and I am
Knowing that her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little craze,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Barton.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that
my penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas.?" asked Nurse Barton.
"Well, " he replied. "Today is the viewing"
SHARP OLD LADY
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. carrying a bag
of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bankstaff finally ushered her into
the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example,
I'll bet you $25,000
your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lotof money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00AM as a
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet andspent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely
no way his balls were square and that he would winthe bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to
the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to
drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old
lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the
lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President
asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
MONKEY SEE- MONKEY DO
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one
day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his
eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your
eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't
make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up
his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on
a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars,
grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached
out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his
knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the
man, and pulled down his eyelid.
YOU'RE IN HEAVEN
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American
churches.So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.The American
thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with
the same sign under it. Hewondered if this was the same kind of
telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He
then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia,
Boston, and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000
per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign
for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Montreal, and again, there was the same golden telephone,
but this time the sign under itread "10 cents per call." The American
was surprised so he asked the priest about the
sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered,.....
"You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".
A husband was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for serveral years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The
man runs out and tells the doctor who says that is a good sign and
suggests he should try rubbing the right breast to see if there is any
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a
moan. From this, the doctors suggest that the man go in and try oral
sex, saying he wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want
the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in and comes out about five
minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which he replies: " She Choked,"
WHAT AM I??
I'M ABOUT 8 INCHES LONG.
MY FUNCTIONING IS ENJOYED
BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.
I'M USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING
LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
I BOAST A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS
AT ONE END AND A SMALL
HOLE AT THE OTHER.
IN USE, I'M INSERTED,
ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING.
THERE, I'M THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN
MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION,
OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING
ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND,
RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, I LEAVE
BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE
SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED
CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES
OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM
MY LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE
AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS
HAVE CEASED EMANATING, I RETURN
TO MY FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST,
READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION.
HOPEFULLY, I WILL REACH MY BRISTLING P
CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY,
BUT OFTEN IT IS MUCH LESS.
WHO AM I ????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER
THAN YOUR VERY OWN....
What were you thinking? You PERVERT!
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor
asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old
bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs
his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a
grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his
umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops
dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man
"Exactly," replies the Doc.
CAUSE I LOVE YOU
An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to
wife "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary.
We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings.
But there's something I've always wondered about: Tell the truth.
Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
" She hesitates a moment, then says "Yes, 3 times, Sidney."
"Three times?" How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
The wife begins recalling slowly "Well, do you remember right after we
were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going to foreclose
on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time" replies the man.
Marsha continued, "And remember when I went to see the banker one
night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"That's hard to take" the man says "but I guess it really was for us,
so I can forgive you." "What was the second time?"
"Well," she continued "do you remember years later when you almost died
from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"
"Yes of course" the man replies.
" Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he
did your operation at no cost?" she explained.
"That's true" Sidney nodded. "That shocks me, Marsha, but I do
understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you.
"So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowers her head and says "Sidney, do you remember when you ran
for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes?"
YOU USE THE COMP. TO MUCH WHEN!!
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
Navigator 3.0 or higher."
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your
child in the overhead compartment.
You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Your cat has its own home page.
You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they
have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
The Pope was driving his 4X4 along the golden sands when there was an
enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He rushed to see what
it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the
surf, a hapless man wearing an "All Black" rugby jersey, struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing "Wallaby"
jerseys roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of
the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising
The other two reached out and pulled the "Kiwi" from the sea and then,
using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along
with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he
summoning them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue
and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard
that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia
and New Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial
harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*#k all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
WHY MEN PEE STANDING UP
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two
extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between
Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had
left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if
either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be
able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On
and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
he should have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up
and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went
off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well,
here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
BE AN ADULT
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words, she'd always remind
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!" She then
asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
The teacher said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people
words." She then asked Bobby what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails
everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB,
slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS: (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer
down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.
PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
discards it through Windows.
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting,
"Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but
the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar
at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and
says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy
refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the
bar. Once again he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked
Finally, he gets a response....... "Go home, Grandpa, you're
THE SAD TRUTH
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each
year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their
antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them,
from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only
women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.
HOW MANY WORDS?
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided
it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner
and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the
old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their
"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather trustingly.
"Well, " she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would
like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his
glasses he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word
or two words?"
BONDED FOR LIFE
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and
young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell
what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together,
probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed
his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started
taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of
French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain
hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the
crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were
thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for
the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man
stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to
buy another meal for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face
with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.
Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of
the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...
DUMB PRINCIPAL-ALL ARE
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too
smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm
smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his
4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole
event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start
explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let
him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf
going when he hit that cow?"
THE BIRDS AND BEES
A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
You know you're from Nova Scotia when.
1. The biggest traffic jam you've ever seen was the Big Ex parade.
2. "Vacation" means going to Halifax for the weekend.
3. You measure distance depending on how long it would take a
four-wheeler to get there.
4. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
5. You use the phrase "come with" in everyday speech.
6. You always get sick or go somewhere a couple weeks before winter so
you don't have to help put in the firewood.
7. The highlight of your day is telling people all about the bargains
you got at the dollar store.
8. You use the phrases "come on to it" or "give 'er the gears" on a
9. You know at least three people who took a day off school for the
start of hunting or fishing season.
10. You remember that CKBW was an AM station.
11. The highlight of your summer is the 5-minute firework show on Canada
12. You have, or know someone who has a summer camp within 10 minutes of
13. You work at Michelin, or you are related to someone who works at
14. You have friends who argue about whose power saw is better.
15. The best fight you've ever seen happened outside the Tavern.
16. You have watched Karaoke on Channel 10.
17. You sit in your car in the plaza parking lot and
watch the Lynchers put the exhibition rides together.
18. You know it is summer because all the bikers start hanging out at
Tim Horton's in the East Side Plaza.
19. You get excited when you see the Bib Man at a community event.
20. You know the best place to eat is the Turkey Burger.
21. You know where "the plaza" is.
22. You have sold something on Swap Shop.
23. You know what "going out with the Captain" means.
24. When you consider a 2-light wait on the Old Bridge a
25. When you have a 4-wheeler or a snow-mobile that is
worth more than the car
Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a
planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For
example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there
will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people
and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing
to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while
this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed
by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and
asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There
are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite
coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest,intelligent and
humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be
extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be
known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What
about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ignorant, loud-mouth
bastards I'm putting next to them...."
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Taryn stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell
my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Taryn and
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when
it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
1. What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
2. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
3. What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door, is if you're in
6. I hate sex in the movies. I tried it once, and the seat folded up.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
10. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up
11. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people
to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do
12. A blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try
to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was
13. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.
14. I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write
me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new
flagpole on a condemned building.
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me
toher place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit
beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I
would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have
sex with me. Then said to meet her in her bedroom. On her way out of the
living room, she said that I knew where the front door was if I didn't
want to go through with it. I stood there for a couple of minutes and
finally decided what I had to do.
I headed out the front door and there, leaning against my car was her
husband, my future father-in-law. He was smiling. He explained that they
just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their
little girl. He congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or,
should I keep the whole thing to myself, particularly the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom? Uncertain.
Way down in the outports of Newfoundland, George's old lady had been
pregnant for some time, and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at George and said,
Hey, George! You just had you a son! Ain't that grand!!"
George got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Hey, George! you got you a daughter!!!!" She's a pretty lil
George got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,
Hold on, we still ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered another
boy and said, "you just had yourself another boy!"
George said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of them babies?"
The doctor said, "You never know George, it was probably something that
happened during conception."
George said, "Ah yeah, during conception"
When George and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember that night we ran out
of Vaseline and we had to use 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I remember that night."
George said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a good thing we didn't use
OLD YARD SALE
One day while walking to the store I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn there were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual but continued to walk on my way to the
store. On my return trip I passed the same nursing home with the same 6
old ladies laying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiousity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to
the manager. "Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front
"Yes," he said, "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and
her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He
reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like
to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies........."
Wait for it
The suspense is killing you, isn't it
"You just happened to catch my eye."
OH ,MY GOD
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father'".
The second woman chirps in, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Grace".
The third Catholic woman says smugly "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Eminence'".
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2" hard-bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God..."
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the
television. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go
to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body
part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled over to the TV set, placed her right
hand on the set and her left hand on the arthritic shoulder that was
causing her great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set
and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said,
"I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal
the sick, not to raise the dead."
ANOTHER SHARP BLONDE
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead,
one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until
they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide
in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found
three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the
barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out
the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him
what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy
kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went,
"Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went,
"Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was
no sound at all.
So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde
BEWARE OF NURSES
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when
you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after
ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head
nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
"but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started
another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared
his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under
his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After
almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on
here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor.
"But never with a carnation."
TENURE PAYS LITTLE
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was
attending a convention in Las Vegas
and, as you would expect, decided
to check out the brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked
the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00,
what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00
and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings,
the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable,
hopefully unionized shop. His
search continued until finally he reached a
brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House.
" The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00,
what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00"
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to
a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam,
then gesturing to an 85-year
old woman in the corner, "but according to
the Union rules, Ethel here has Seniority."
PICK UP FINGERS
A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off
all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room.
The doctor there told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"What! You don't have the fingers!?" said the doctor, "You should have
brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done
like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as
"But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and
considerable damage to the hood. There's no sign of the offending
vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my
name, address and other important information.
But I'm not."
AND WE HAVE A WINNER
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following
a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He
asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,
I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will
be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and
then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy
of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of
his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."