PAM'S BEST JOKES
Nova Scotia
#100 - 150


FAX IT

     Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.

   Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

  A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."

  The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

   The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting me a fax!"   





WHO'S IS IT

  A man and woman both wanted custody of their children and it posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

  The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?

   Don't laugh, but the man won.



WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AS I MATURED

   I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

   I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

   I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

  I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

   I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

   I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

   I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

   I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

   I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

   Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen.

   If not...tough shit



OLD AGE PROBLEMS

   "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

   "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' happins!"

   "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

   "Do you have trouble peeing and crapping too?" asked the 60 and 70-year-olds.

   "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 like a racehorse on a flat rock and I crap every morning at 6:30. No problems at all."

   With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

   "I don't wake up until 7:00!"



This is creepy !

   (Start slowly scrolling down and follow instructions.)





   Think of a letter between A and W. . .

. . .



   Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . .

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   Keep going . . . Don't stop . . ... . . .

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   Think of an animal that begins with that letter. . . . . .

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. .

   Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . .

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. . . .

   Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name . . . . . .

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   Almost there........ . . . .

. .

. .

   Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. . . . . .

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   Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level . . .

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. . .

   Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand . .

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   Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name? . . . . . . . .



.

   . Of course not....... .



. .

   .Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid newsletter games!



OBSESSIONS

   A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

   "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

   He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

   He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

   At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."







MEDICALLY SOUND

  This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

  She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!

  What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

  The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."



DOUBLE BS

  A young man, a current welfare recipient, walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job." The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday's trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

   The guy said, "You're bullshitting me man!!The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"



USED BRAIN

  In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

   The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

   The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."



I LOVE BIN LADEN

  Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

  Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

   "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

   "Why Osama Bin Laden?," her father asks in shock.

   "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl Could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start Going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

   Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

   "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."



ALMOST DOESN'T COUNT

   This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman ..... almost ......"

   The priest says,"What do you mean, almost?"

   The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

   The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

  The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.....

   The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that ... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

   The man replies,"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently, that's the same as putting it in!"







CHECK MY TESTICLES

  A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

   "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

   Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

  He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

  Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

  The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

   "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

   Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

  At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"



BIRD LOVERS

   Two Quebecois walked into a pet store. Right away, they go over to the “Exotic Bird Section”.

   Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre, “Dats dem dere.”

   The store clerk comes over and asks if she can help them.

  “Yea, we’ll take four of dem budgie birds in dat cage up der,” says Jean-Marc. “Put dem in a paper bag.”

   They leave the store and drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills. They stop at the face of a large cliff with a five-hundred foot drop.

   “Dis looks like a good place, eh?” says Jean-Pierre.

   “Oh yea, dis looks good,” agrees Jean-Marc.

   They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss.

   “Tabernac! I guess I got to go first, eh?” says Jean-Pierre.

  He takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

   Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds and goes, “SPLAT!”

   As jean-Marc looks over the cliff, he shakes his head and says, “Screw dat! Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me



ANYTHING FOR A BUCK

  Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

   One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

   Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

  The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

   Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

  They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

   Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."



SHE HAS MORE TO OFFER

>   Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

  One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

  She asks, "What?" and he replies SEX!!!"

   Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

   "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

   "Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood.

   Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!

   Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Howard smiled happily and replied........................"Parkinson's."



WHO SAID THAT?

  A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:

   "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QUAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"

   You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

   But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?













  A FUNERAL HOME

  And who said morticians have no sense of humor!?







HERE'S TO MARY

  John O'Reilly hoisted his beer at the pub and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

   That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

  He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

   She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

   John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

   "Ohh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

   The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary."

  She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."



CHARGE ITTTTT

  There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

  Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

   When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

   So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

   She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my word.I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

  "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

   "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

   Never Under estimate The Intelligence Of A WomaN

&



THE GOOD GENIE

  Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

  "I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

  "I do not understand," said the other.

  The first Arab explains, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came oozing out.

  He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

  I said, 'No shit.'"



TRUE NEWFIE STORY

   This happened in a little town in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true! This guy was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rain storm. The night was rolling, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door-and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started to move very slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

   The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.

   Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story; hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk.

   About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, Look, me son, there's the jerk who got into the car while we were pushing it!"



AMAZING SCOTSMAN

   A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman."

  Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring, is a table with three walnuts. Standing next to it is an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

  Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman!

   He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act. So , he buys a ticket.

   Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman stands before them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!

   Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible !" he tells the Scotsman, " but I have to know something.." You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

   "Well, " says the Scot, " me eyes are nae whit they used to be."







MULTI-USE PADS

  A bunch of kids were trying to figure out what to do on a hot summer day. One of them gets an idea.

  "But, I need some money....how much we got?," said one of the kids. Pooling their money, they got only $5.

  The kid takes the $5 and runs off to the store, soon returning with a package of Tampons.

  "What the hell good are those?" the other kids ask him.

  The kid replies, "Look, it says here that, with these, you can go swimming, ride a horse, play tennis......"



COUGH

  The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

  The clerk explains, "he wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," . "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

   The owner shouts, "Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot."

   "Sure it will," the clerk says. "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough!!"



THE RECTUM STRETCHER

   While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work."

   "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

   I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

   The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

   I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

   The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

   I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."



TOURISTS FOR SURE

  Angus and Gordy from Cape Breton were visiting a relative in Kingston prison IN NOVA SCOTIA.

  Walking along main street they see a sign which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.'

   Angus says to his pal, "Gordy LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those,and when we get back to Cape Breton, we could make a fortune.

   Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Ontario drawl."

   They go in and Angus says, "I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...

   The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Cape Breton, aren't you?"

  "Oh, yes," says a surprised Angus "How come you know that?"

   The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."



DOCTOR LESSON #1

  Working with students often requires innovative ideas....

   First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

  The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. " Foran example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger inthe butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go head and do the same thing," he told his students.

   The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

   When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger....

  now learn to pay attention."



TIME TO START

A man came home from work. He sat in his favorite chair, turned on the TV,and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer anyway. When he finished it, he said,"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but decided to bring him the beer.

When it was gone he said, "Quick, one more before it starts."

She blows her top, "That's it! You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "Shit, it started..."





VERY CLEAN JOKE

Not too often do you find a truly clean joke, but here is one that has not one dirty word in it:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. >A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!" Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. >A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"



SORRY MR. FROG

Once upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet,we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself.........



"I don't fucking think so."



A MINOT PROBLEM

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said "I too have a problem, my penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!"



BEDROOM FOOTBALL

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha.

I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."



HOW TO CLEAN A TOILET

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid. ) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a " power-wash " and "rinse".)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind! the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog







WHERE'S YOUR MIND?

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears the marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.

you fucking mosquito.



TELL THE KIDS

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one". She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."



WHAT IS A CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.



OLD XMAS BALLS

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."



FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly..."Damn!"

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, ...

..... "Not even when everything is all fucked up?"



LIVE FOREVER?

   : I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/ sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"








LEGAL PRECRIPTION

   : A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

    The druggist ask's, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

   The lady says, "To kill my husband."

    "I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.

    The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the druggist. The photo shows her husband with the druggist's wife.

    He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"



GOOD TO BEST

   : GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

    BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $140 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,he sent the police department a picture of $140. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

    BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.



REALISTIC LIFE GOALS

   : A teacher asks her class, "What do you want out of life?"

    A little girl in the back raises her hand and says, "All I want out of life is four animals."

    The teacher asks, "Really, and which four animals do you want?"

    The little girl says, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."



GET OUT OF THE GUTTER

   : Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

    "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

    "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

    "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

    "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

    "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

    "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

    "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

    SHAME ON YOU,
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ??



BAIL OUT TIME

   : An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

    The first passenger said, "I'm Mats Sundin, the best NHL hockey player, the Leafs need me, I can't afford to die...So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, HillaryClinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator."She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    The third passenger,Jean Chretien, said: "I'm the Brains of Canada, I have a great responsibility being the leader of the greatest nation in the world. And above all I'm the smartest Prime Minister in Canadian history, so Canadians won't let me die". So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

    The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

    The little boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The Brains of Canada has just jumped with my school bag".







DUMB IS FOREVER

   : A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door burstsopen and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

    The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting andchanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

    Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising theroof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

    Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

    The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsawpuzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

    The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the recordstraight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

    The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"



PRAISE ALLAH

   : While trying to escape through Iraq, Saddam found a brass lamp and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the lamp and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

    "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!

    Don't you know who I am?

    I don't need any common woman giving me anything", barked Saddam.

    The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that lamp forever."

    Saddam thought a moment.

    Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

    The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

    The next morning Saddam woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

    His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

    God is good.



SECRET OF A LONG LIFE

   : Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

   After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

    Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

    "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

    "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"



BEST SPEEDING EXCUSE

   : A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

   As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

    The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

    The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.



   : A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure.

   Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate...And ate...and then. she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.

    She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

   She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

    She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

   She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly....

   The moral of this sad story?

   Ready?

   

    Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.







HE SAID/SHE SAID

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

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He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart!

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He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

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He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.

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On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"


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Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

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Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

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Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of coming a human being.

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Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

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Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

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Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

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Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

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Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

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Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

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Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you." ***********************************



CHECK YOUR UNDIES

   : The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" and the clerk said

   "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

    The owner said "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

   The clerk said "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"



NAME THE SEX

   : What Sex Are They?

   ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

    SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

    COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

   TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

    HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.

   SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

    SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

    HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

    HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

    REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say mal e. But consider this- it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying



What Hallmark Cards don't say:

   : 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

   2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

    3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

   4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder? What was I thinking?

    5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

    6. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?

    7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, Someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

    8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.

    9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.

    10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go .... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

    11. Someday I hope to get married. But not to you.

    12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

    13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

    14. We have been friends for a very long time... what do you say we stop?

    15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

    16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

    17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

    18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas and Alabama).



TAXES MY ASS

   : The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, Canada and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00 in taxes.









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