Nova Scotia
#100 - 150
PAM'S BEST JOKES FAX IT
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked
in a
sauna.
WHO'S IS IT
A man and woman both wanted
custody of their children and it posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet
and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into
this world, she should retain custody of them.
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AS I MATURED
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
OLD AGE PROBLEMS "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel
like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and
nothing comes out!"
This is creepy !
(Start slowly scrolling down and follow instructions.)
OBSESSIONS A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children...
MEDICALLY SOUND
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out.
DOUBLE BS
A young man, a current welfare recipient, walked into the local
welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate
drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just
got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black
Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the
long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be
required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday's trips. The
salary package is $200,000 a year."
USED BRAIN
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting
room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the
doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the
bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
I LOVE BIN LADEN
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since
Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
ALMOST DOESN'T COUNT
This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I
had an affair with a woman ..... almost ......"
CHECK MY TESTICLES
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over
his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
BIRD LOVERS
Two Quebecois walked into a pet store. Right away, they go over to the
“Exotic Bird Section”.
ANYTHING FOR A BUCK
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that
there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred,
but that airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
SHE HAS MORE TO OFFER
> Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.
WHO SAID THAT?
A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
HERE'S TO MARY
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer at the pub and said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
CHARGE ITTTTT
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of
his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
THE GOOD GENIE
Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball
game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
TRUE NEWFIE STORY
This happened in a little town in Newfoundland, and even though it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true! This guy was
on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle
of a terrible rain storm. The night was rolling, and no cars were on the
road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead
of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy,
without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door-and only
then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel! The car
started to move very slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve
coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He
had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a
hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the wheel.
AMAZING SCOTSMAN
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a
circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman."
MULTI-USE PADS
A bunch of kids were trying to figure out what to do on a hot summer day. One of them gets an idea.
COUGH
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
THE RECTUM STRETCHER
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I
noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop
pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
TOURISTS FOR SURE
Angus and Gordy from Cape Breton were visiting a
relative in Kingston prison IN NOVA SCOTIA.
DOCTOR LESSON #1
Working with students often requires innovative ideas....
TIME TO START
A man came home from work. He sat in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV,and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
VERY CLEAN JOKE
Not too often do you find a truly clean joke, but here is one that has
not one dirty word in it:
SORRY MR. FROG
Once upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me.
A MINOT PROBLEM
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had
to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that
she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year
old.
BEDROOM FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes
gas and says, "Seven Points."
HOW TO CLEAN A TOILET
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put
both lids up.
WHERE'S YOUR MIND?
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab
you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my
bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
TELL THE KIDS
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
lights. Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night,
while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.She looked down... and saw her
husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a
vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one". She went
completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him,
"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy... you explain the kids."
WHAT IS A CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
OLD XMAS BALLS
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are
there?"
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
A first grade teacher had a small number of children
gathered around a table for a reading group. After the
story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
While they were working she heard a little girl say very
softly..."Damn!"
LIVE FOREVER? :
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/
sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be
80?"
LEGAL PRECRIPTION :
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some
arsenic.
GOOD TO BEST :
GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just
sell lemonade.)
REALISTIC LIFE GOALS :
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want out of life?"
GET OUT OF THE GUTTER :
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
BAIL OUT TIME :
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but
only 4 parachutes.
DUMB IS FOREVER :
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
burstsopen and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over
and sit down at a large table.
PRAISE ALLAH :
While trying to escape through Iraq,
Saddam found a brass lamp and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie
rose from the lamp and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one
wish?"
SECRET OF A LONG LIFE :
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
BEST SPEEDING EXCUSE :
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific
Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through
what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
:
A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she
happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure.
HE SAID/SHE SAID
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
CHECK YOUR UNDIES
Nova
Scotia
#100 - 150
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and
the
beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my
pager,"he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to
his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I
have a
micro chip in my hand."
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and
went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from
his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly
finally
said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting me a fax!"
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his
side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose
from the chair and replied: Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending
machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the
machine?
Don't laugh, but the man won.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're
finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who
knows, maybe something good will happen.
If not...tough shit
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' happins!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing and crapping too?" asked the 60 and
70-year-olds.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 like a racehorse on a flat
rock and I crap every morning at 6:30. No problems at all."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Think of a letter between A and W.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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Keep going . . . Don't stop . . ...
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Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the
animals name
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Almost there........
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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you
are not using to scroll down.
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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at
face level
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Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand
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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
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.Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid
newsletter games!
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first
mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and
frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot
and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says,
"Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your
eyesight."
The guy said, "You're bullshitting me man!!The man behind the counter
said, "Well, you started it!"
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you
will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A
man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The
doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group
said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down
the price of the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think
God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
Could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to
think that maybe we're not all
bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw
what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And
then he'd start Going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with
newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever
heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the
open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
The priest says,"What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. Now, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then
walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
leave.....
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,
"I saw that ... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies,"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
apparently, that's the same as putting it in!"
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face
and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught
so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped
back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis
out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced
the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my
test results back???"
Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre, “Dats dem dere.”
The store clerk comes over and asks if she can help them.
“Yea, we’ll take four of dem budgie birds in dat cage up der,” says
Jean-Marc. “Put dem in a paper bag.”
They leave the store and drive for three hours until they are high up
in the hills. They stop at the face of a large cliff with a
five-hundred foot drop.
“Dis looks like a good place, eh?” says Jean-Pierre.
“Oh yea, dis looks good,” agrees Jean-Marc.
They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss.
“Tabernac! I guess I got to go first, eh?” says Jean-Pierre.
He takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff.
Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight
down for a few seconds and goes, “SPLAT!”
As jean-Marc looks over the cliff, he shakes his head and says, “Screw
dat! Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and
Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year
I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride
costs ten dollars, and ten
dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said,
"Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you, but if you
say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word is heard. He does all his tricks over
again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By
golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say
something when Edna fell out,
but ten dollars is ten dollars."
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short
lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you
know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?" and he replies SEX!!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it
for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to
meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk
and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting
by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding
Howard's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don't have?"
Howard smiled happily and
replied........................"Parkinson's."
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 AL QUAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
You are probably outraged at the thought
of such an inflammatory statement.
One would think that anti-hate groups
from all across the country would be
marching on this business... And that
the National Guard might have to be
called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one
might be tempted to let the proprietors
simply make their statement . . . We are
a society who holds Freedom of Speech
as perhaps our greatest liberty . . .
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would
dare post such a sign?
A FUNERAL HOME
And who said morticians have no sense of humor!?
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Ohh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only
been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come."
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his
wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to
her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready
to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it
away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you
weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my word.I
promised him that I was gonna put that money in that
casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Under estimate The Intelligence Of A WomaN
&
"I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my
butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab explains, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped
over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in
an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came oozing out.
He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'
I said, 'No shit.'"
The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every
time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, the
guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without
looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest
town. Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale,
visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of
Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody
in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the
spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.
Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening
to this eerie story; hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was
telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said
to the other, Look, me son, there's the jerk who got into the car while
we were pushing it!"
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare
and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center
ring, is a table with three walnuts. Standing next to it is an old
Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge penis
and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts
in applause as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the
crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a
faded sign for the same circus and the same: Don't Miss The Amazing
Scotsman!
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his
act. So , he buys a ticket.
Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts,
three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman stands before them,
then suddenly lifts his kilt and smashes the coconuts with three swings
of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible !" he tells the Scotsman, " but I have to know
something.." You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well, " says the Scot, " me eyes are nae whit they used to be."
"But, I need some money....how much we got?," said one of the kids. Pooling their money, they got only $5.
The kid takes the $5 and runs off to the store, soon returning with a package of Tampons.
"What the hell good are those?" the other kids ask him.
The kid replies, "Look, it says here that, with these, you can go swimming, ride a horse, play tennis......"
The clerk explains, "he wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't
find the cough syrup," . "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take
it all at once."
The owner shouts, "Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot."
"Sure it will," the clerk says. "Look at him -- he's afraid to
cough!!"
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum
stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work
until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until
it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a
bridge..."
Walking along main street they see a sign which reads, 'Suits $5.00
each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.'
Angus says to his pal, "Gordy LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of
those,and when we get back to Cape Breton, we could make a fortune.
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all
the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not serve us.
I'll speak in my best Ontario drawl."
They go in and Angus says, "I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts
at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my
pickup
and...
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Cape Breton, aren't
you?"
"Oh, yes," says a surprised Angus "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. " Foran
example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger inthe
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go head and
do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger....
now learn to pay attention."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer anyway.
When he finished it, he said,"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna
start."
This time she looked a little angry, but decided to bring him the beer.
When it was gone he said, "Quick, one more before it starts."
She blows her top, "That's it! You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed, "Shit, it started..."
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. >A small
tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of
a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. >A small
tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of
a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
prince that I am and then, my sweet,we can marry and setup housekeeping
in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so."
That night as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and cream sauce, she chuckled
and thought to herself.........
"I don't fucking think so."
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.However, Jim felt
this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a
deformity too.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said "I too have a problem, my penis
is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once
we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your
infant-sized penis."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the
honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started
touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream
and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an
infant!"
"Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!"
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man
replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie
score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. (You may need to stand on the lid. ) The cat will self agitate
and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet,
the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a " power-wash "
and "rinse".)
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are
no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind! the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely,
The Dog
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove
me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no
avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body
still bears the marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder
to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.
you fucking mosquito.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are
there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through
three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty
and hard.In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
The teacher leaned over and said quietly,
"We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher,
her eyes got very big and she said, ...
..... "Not even when everything is all fucked up?"
The druggist ask's, "Ma'am, what do you want with
arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man
and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the druggist.
The photo shows her husband with the druggist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a
prescription!"
BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar. A $140 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,he sent
the police department a picture of $140. The police responded with
another mailed photo of Handcuffs.
BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
A little girl in the back raises her hand and says, "All I want out of
life is four animals."
The teacher asks, "Really, and which four animals do you want?"
The little girl says, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your
crib and find out." He carefully got himself into the other baby's
crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of
minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
and I've got blue ones."
SHAME ON YOU,
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ??
The first passenger said, "I'm Mats Sundin, the best NHL hockey player,
the Leafs need me, I can't afford to die...So he took the first pack and
left the plane. The second passenger, HillaryClinton, said, "I am the
wife of the former president of the United States, I
am also
the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator."She
just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger,Jean Chretien, said: "I'm the Brains of Canada, I
have a great responsibility being the leader of the greatest nation in
the world.
And above all I'm the smartest Prime Minister in Canadian history, so
Canadians won't let me die". So he grabbed the pack next to him and
jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a
10year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years
left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute.
The little boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you.
The Brains of Canada has just jumped with my school bag".
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting
andchanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising
theroof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high-fives,
all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's
jigsawpuzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks
one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
recordstraight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together.
The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51
days!"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything", barked Saddam.
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that lamp forever."
Saddam thought a moment.
Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very
well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the
morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning Saddam woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health
insurance.
God is good.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and
blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch my BMW," he
thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit
him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined
it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift,
and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give
me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with
a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger
pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch
out. She ate...And ate...and then. she ate some more!!! Finally, she
decided she'd had plenty.
She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then
attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and
could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne
she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of
the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly
wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly....
The moral of this sad story?
Ready?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
**********************
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart!
**********************
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
************************
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
***************************
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"
************************
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
**************************
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
**************************
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of coming a human being.
*****************************
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
******************************
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
********************************
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
********************************
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
********************************
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
********************************
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
***********************************
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
**************************************
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
************************************
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
***********************************